Being a police officer can be a hard job. There’s no telling what the day may bring: people yelling at you, throwing stuff at you, shooting at you. They deal with people who are at their worst and who may be having the worst day of their lives. Long hours, low pay, and low resources are all par for the course. Yet they report for duty day in and day out.
Despite the drawbacks, most cops will tell you they’d never want another job, and they all have at least one lively “you’ll never believe this” story.
Today we’ll hear ten of these stories, from bizarre to hilarious, in the officer’s own words. Numbers 3 and 1 just cracked me up!
10. Where’s My Jesus?
Our first officer shared the case of the missing Jesus. “One afternoon, a lady came into the station to report that her red Chrysler Cordoba was stolen from the parking lot of the local grocery store.
Around the same time, a patrol was dispatched to the same store to contact a confused elderly woman.
Turns out the elderly woman (who owned the same make, model, and color of car) had driven off in the other lady’s car and not realized it wasn’t hers until she was about halfway home and noticed her statue of Jesus was missing from the dash. No charges were filed.”
9. Chasing Chewie
This cop told us about his most interesting road stop. “While sitting at one of the longest red lights ever, I looked across the intersection and saw Chewbacca driving the vehicle opposite me.
I did a double take, then looked around to see if anyone else was seeing this. My eyes met those of a middle-aged man in a corvette next to me. and we both laughed before I flipped the lights and tracked Chewie down harder than Boba Fett. I let him off with a warning about the legalities of driving in masks.”
8. She Needed Those Nuggets
This undercover cop recalled an interesting proposition. “While working undercover on a prostitution sting, I was propositioned by a “lady of the night”. We went back and forth, haggling on what the price of her services would be until she finally agreed to perform the act for $25 and some Chicken McNuggets. It was certainly one of the more unique pricing structures I’d heard.” Speaking of unique, wait until you read number 6!
7. Watch Out For Those Raccoons
Our next officer’s story is a little wild. “One of our rookies got sent out to pick up a large raccoon lying dead at the side of the road. Per department policy, she loaded the carcass up in a large trash bag and took it to the station for storage in a freezer until animal control could come pick it up for disposal.
Several days later, the animal control officer opened up the freezer to find the interior completely destroyed. Turns out the raccoon hadn’t been dead after all, just stunned, and trashed the freezer trying to escape.”
6. Just Cheese Man
Sometimes the rookies just can’t catch a break, as our next cop’s story demonstrates. “I was still a rookie on the force when I pulled over a Hispanic guy for a broken taillight. He didn’t speak English well and was acting quite strange, so I started searching him.
When I found a bag of white powder in his pocket my heart started pounding, because it would’ve been my first big bust. The guy starts freaking out, and says “QUESO! QUESO! QUESO!” Now I don’t speak Spanish, but I do know what queso is, so I opened the bag and sniffed the contents. Turns out it’s full of powdered parmesan cheese.
I handed him back the bag and told him to get his taillight fixed.”
5. What Tractor?!
This officer’s story demonstrates the importance of teamwork. “Working the graveyard shift in an affluent neighborhood one night, I made a traffic stop on a couple of characters in a junky old van. Neither had warrants or anything suspicious on them and the van was empty, so I had to let them go on their way.
About 5:00 the next morning I heard another officer radio in about the same old van out on the highway, which had broken down. I radioed him I’d already checked them out earlier and found nothing on them.
Discussing them back at the station after our shift, the other officer told me the guy looked like he was freezing and could use a blanket so he’d glanced in the back and told him “Why don’t you pull one of those blankets off that tractor back there and cover up with that?”
I looked at him a moment then said, “What tractor?!” We both went “Doh!” at the same time. I quickly called dispatch and had them send officers out to the broken down van. One guy was arrested right there and the other was found a couple days later.”
4. In Fred We Trust
This cop found some funny money at the movies. “I was once called out to the local movie theater. Apparently, a guy paid with a counterfeit $20 bill and then went into the movie before the theater staff figured out it was a fake. Once we arrived the staff easily pointed him out, still watching his movie. We asked him to empty his pockets and found another fake $20 in his pocket. Seems this Einstein was so proud of his work he decided to make a fake bill…with his OWN picture on it! Kind of a no-brainer at that point, he was immediately arrested.” Our next story is just hilarious.
3. Just Doing What They’re Told
This officer in the Bronx has seen a little of everything. “My partner and I were parked on a quiet side street to eat our lunch when a bright pink Cadillac blows past the two of us with complete disregard for both a marked police vehicle and the stop sign at the corner. We hit the lights and siren, and the caddy dutifully pulled over to the curb.
The large African-American behind the wheel was apologetic and cooperative with the two of us; the only problem we encountered was that when he presented his driver’s license the name on the license was a Mr. Santiago, accompanied by a photo of a bald thin Hispanic gentleman. Quizzed to as why this gentleman had the license of another individual in his possession the answer was very simple.
We were told that just the other day a fender bender occurred between himself and Mr. Santiago. A police car responded to the accident and both parties were asked if anyone was hurt or needed medical attention. Neither driver required any aid, so the officer then directed the two individuals to EXCHANGE LICENCES. They just did as they were told!”
2. Adventures In Hillbillyville
This cop has a great story about one of his town’s more “colorful” neighborhoods. “I work in a modern suburb, but there is one area affectionately known as Hillbillyville. There are rundown old houses, cars on blocks, animals roaming the streets…the sort of place when you get sent there it’s sure to be a strange adventure.
One night I get a call from dispatch about a guy running around Hillbillyville with a pitchfork. We arrived on the scene to find a shirtless guy with crazed hair holding a pitchfork over his head and waving it around like a mad man. He was still a few hundred feet away from us so we took off down the street as he ducked in between some houses. We get down to where we last saw the guy and spot him hiding in some junk in front of an old barn.
We’re all drawing down on him trying to get him to drop the pitchfork, and then the story gets even weirder. He drops the pitchfork, grabs this goat that’s standing nearby, bends down, grips the goat’s face…and gives him a big old kiss…right on the lips! We wound up giving him a ride to the local psych hospital.”
1. Whatever You Do, Don’t Call The Cops
Our last officer tells us about a woman who was definitely in the wrong place at the wrong time. “It was New Year’s eve and our Fraternal Order of Police lodge was hosting a dinner near a busy intersection. Around 9:00, the two dozen or so off duty cops that were in attendance heard a loud noise outside the building and we all knew there had been a car wreck.
Before anyone had a chance to go see what had happened a gal came running in the front door who had a little blood coming off her forehead and smelled like a brewery. As she busted in she made the following statement, “Whatever you do, don’t call the cops because I’m drunk and that accident out there was my fault!”
I don’t think anyone ever clued her in that we were all cops but the officer that was called in to investigate the accident had a pretty open and shut case.”
Being a police officer will certainly have its heart-pounding moments, between chasing criminals and keeping the peace and I’m sure they see plenty of bad stuff out there day in and day out. These days it doesn’t seem like they get too much thanks for doing a pretty tough job. That’s why it’s good to know that the job does have its light moments, too.
How about you? Do you have any “you’re never gonna believe this” stories of hapless criminals of your own to share? If so be sure to share them with us in the comments!