Want To Have Better Sex? Don’t Aim For An Orgasm

Sex therapists Mike Lousada and Louise Mazanti will tell you that having better sex can be as simple as throwing your expectations out the window. While most people think that the only way to enjoy sex is the end goal (an orgasm), what people should be focusing on is getting pleasure from the act itself.

Check out the next 10 slides for a proper explanation — pay close attention to #4!

10. Don’t Suppress Your Desires

Chobirdokan

“From our culture, religion, and upbringing most of us have received more or less explicit messages about sex as something wrong, dirty, and shameful,” explains Mazanti. Sex is actually normal — and fun. And sexual desires should not be suppressed according to Lousada and Mazanti. The statistics in #9 may surprise you.

9. Being Sexually Unsatisfied Isn’t Fun

Flickr

Sex is a bigger issue for many people than they’d like to admit. In fact, fewer than half of the people living in the UK actually admit to being “satisfied” in the bedroom. Over half of the people living in the UK haven’t had sex over the past four weeks! Some of that can be due to stress and some of it can be due to the fact that people aren’t looking at sex the right way, according to these sex therapists.

8. People Have To Find A Connection To One Another

Pinterest

“When we’re in performance and trying to achieve either an orgasm or the latest fancy sex kink, we judge the experience and lose connection with each other. Sex becomes hollow and objectifying for both parties. It’s a sure recipe to feel a failure,” warns Lousada. He stresses that having pleasure-oriented sex is “absolutely vital.”

7. Don’t Focus On The ‘Big O’

Google Plus

“Seeing it as pleasure-orientated broadens the possibility for sexual pleasure hugely. When we let go of the focus on reaching genital orgasm, we create space for more intimacy, deeper, longer arousal, and thus more actual, whole body pleasure. And eventually whole body orgasms,” says Mazanti. The two go on to discuss watching porn, which you can read about in #6.

6. Porn Is Not A Sex Bible

Chatelaine

People who watch porn regularly may be a little misguided when it comes to what sex should actually be like. Mazanti warns against using porn as a manual and says that it can really cause problems in the bedroom.

“This creates a very reductive, performance oriented, objectifying and non-relational understanding of what sex is,” says Mazanti.

5. Porn Might Not Be Good For Your Relationship

Sex Butik

“Porn is positive when is stimulates us, makes us feel alive in our body, when it stirs our fantasy and expands our sexual repertoire. If you start needing to replicate pornographic scenarios and believe that this is how sex should look like, if you need to go into porn fantasy when being with a partner, if the use of porn feels like a compulsory behaviour that impacts your ability to prioritise other things, your relationship with it is likely be to unhealthy,” Mazanti says.

4. Fetishes & Fantasies Are Totally Normal

opinion al

Mazanti and Lousada also talk about people having fetishes and say that it’s completely normal and it’s something that people should pay attention to. A person’s desires can and should be met and it’s something that two partners should feel comfortable talking about. You should always keep #3 in mind.

3. What Is Healthy Sex?

Station Body

“We define ‘healthy sex’ when the sexual activity is between consenting adults and it’s a respectful subject to subject relationship, meaning no one is objectified, other than part of the game,” explains Lousada. The sex therapists believe that it is important to keep this definition in mind, especially before tackling #2.

2. Communication Is Key

Freepik

“You need to understand your need and what’s behind it so that you can communicate in a loving and authentic way and you can both negotiate if that need can be met in some way or another in the relationship, or if you can both agree to having that particular need met somewhere else,” said Lousada.

1. Understand Yourself And Your Needs

Freepik

Before bringing things up with your partner, Lousada and Mazanti say that it is very important to understand yourself. They also stress the importance of being present during sex, and, as mentioned in #2, communication is absolutely key. They believe that sex should be a “natural and beautiful celebration of life.”

Advertisement

What Others Are Reading