3Today we give thanks to all of the brave souls out there who risk it all in the name of being sexy. These are the folks who look right at the sun and say “I can do that,” instead of covering their eyes like regular people. And just like Icarus before them, many of these people will melt their wings and fall far from grace.
Thankfully we’re here to catch them with smiles on our faces and laughs in our bellies, because these pictures are hilarious. Some of them are merely weird, while others tear through the edge of reality and leap headfirst into “I can’t even” territory. Without further ado, let’s begin the countdown!
37. Daedelus and Skittles
We thought we’d begin with someone nodding directly to our Icarus metaphor, and it’s a doozy. This guy has got the rainbows cranked to 11 and isn’t afraid of flaunting it. The underwear might be adorable on its own, but we think the wings are going a bit too far.
36. Disaster Girl
We’re not sure who had the brilliant idea of doing a photoshoot in the aftermath of a major storm, but we honestly don’t think it was a bad one! She looks cute, confident, and maybe a little bit amused to be standing on the wreckage of other peoples’ cars.
35. Sticky Nope
Well, here goes a whole lot of nope. First of all, we’re not sure about the whole sunglasses-indoors thing, but then you just go and dump sticky, sugary chocolate syrup all over your body? Nope. Nope again. If there was a sexy dictionary, this picture would be under “nope.”
34. Shake That Donkey
We are just dying to know what the context was for this photo. Did the photographer come across this comely young lady in her natural habitat, walking the streets listening to vinyl records mounted to her faithful steed? Didn’t notice that detail at first? Yep, this is apparently DJ Donkey we’re looking at.
33. A Little More Nope
We had to repeat ourselves, because come on! We get that she’s in some sort of tropical mud bath, but dumping brown liquid down your chest is only going to attract a very slim set of people. We’re just not one of them!
32. It’s Permanent
Now, we’re well aware that outlining one’s lips is a common fashion move for a lot of women. This one, however, seems to have outlined a very specific facial expression that has us leaping beyond “tantalized” and right into “confused” territory.
31. Plenty Of Fish In The Sea
They say true love’s hard to find, but they also tell us that there are plenty of fish in the sea. Which is it? This woman took one look at that question and swam the opposite direction. She found the kind of love that might have to compete with Long John Silver’s.
30. Speaking Of Fish
Everything about this picture is weird and we love it. So this woman is dressed as a mermaid, she’s wearing a crown, and she’s holding a small pirate skull. It’s not what we picture when we think of “sexy” but it sure is memorable.
29. Sexy Librarian Fail
Look, we get the whole sexy librarian thing. It’s an authority figure suddenly made alluring and available; that’s hot. What’s not hot is holding a book upside down while pretending to be deep in concentration.
28. Game of Thrones
There’s really not much that needs to be said about this, beyond “wow would you look at that fancy toilet!” Because it is a strange gilded toilet. We don’t care if that’s Veronica Mars or not, we’d probably pose on such a fancy throne too!
We’re kind of left speechless, despite the amount of graffiti-style words this young man blasted onto his bathroom mirror selfie. But wait, what’s with those parachute pants? And why is “cuddly” mixed in with those other words?
26. Use Your Melon!
By the look of the picnic site around her – knives, bottles, lighters, and beer cups – we’re honestly not surprised at someone caught this woman chin-deep in a watermelon. At least she’s not using a sharp knife while intoxicated!
25. Wait A Second, Where Are We?
At first we looked and saw only a girl making a come-hither post while laying on a lawn somewhere. Then our eyes made their way to the top of the picture and… she is sprawled out looking sexy at a cemetery. Classy!
24. Get Yr Drank On
While we love alcoholic energy drinks as much as anyone else (just kidding, they’re terrible) we think this alluring lass might have the wrong idea about them. Then again, it might be safer to pour that crap on your chest than into your stomach!
23. Mommy Time
Look, we know as much as anyone else how hard it is to find a good babysitter these days, but at least let the kid stand outside the changing room when you take the inevitable bikini selfie!
22. Granny Time!
This girl must have a fantastic relationship with her grandma, since the older lady seems pleased as punch to be helping out with her butt-out-front selfie game. We’d say that the duckface really makes the picture, but we prefer grandma’s grin.
21. Rocking Too Hard
Is it really possible to rock too hard? We’re not sure, but it’s certainly inadvisable if you’re not fully aware of your surroundings. Safety first, we say! Also, wear something grippier than socks when dancing on a tile floor!
20. Bathroom Bomb
There’s nothing that can more instantly ruin a sexy photoshoot with Minnie Mouse ears than your boyfriend, sitting on the john! Right? To be fair, we think she might have chosen to wait until after he was done, but who are we to judge?
19. Wrong Outfit
We know that it’s a common trope for women to lounge in shallow water for photoshoots. This girl could be perfect for the job for all we know, but she chose some… interesting clothing for the job. Jeans and a long sleeve shirt should never be worn to the beach, much less whatever is happening here.
18. Rock That Whip
Here’s another woman carelessly rocking too hard for her surroundings. Maybe she didn’t know motorcycles can be easily tipped, but someone should have warned her!
17. Fly Paper Photobomb
There’s nothing to really bring out the sexiness in your bathing suit pose than the miniature genocide of a hundred dead flies hanging on a strip from the ceiling! It’s kind of mind boggling to think of how often people don’t look around before posing like they’re on the cover of Sports Illustrated.
16. One Of Those Guys
Oh no, is it one of those guys? Wait, actually we’re not sure what kind we’re talking about here. We’ve got a tasteful portrait floating in the background there, but most people will notice the weird Sistine Chapel pose and pretty much lose it at that point.
15. Yeah… No.
So we’re not even sure this was meant to be sexy, or more like the poster for a Japanese body-horror movie. It’s the old “arms wrapped around me” trick, but this guy seems to have had some serious practice. We shudder for the imagined ladies he’s smiling at.
We’re left wondering if this is some sort of artistic statement about the beauty industry or the wastes of Western capitalism, or if the model and photographer simply thought, “You know what? Garbage can be pretty darn hot!”
Our inner obsessive-compulsive selves are kind of impressed with the incredible symmetry on display here. It looks like some sort of photoshop magic was used, but that’s beside the point. We really want to know what on earth that pose is about!
12. Hide & Peek
Listen, we’d never body shame anyone or make fun of people willing to put themselves out there in an honest and frank way. This picture’s on the list because the woman was clearly trying to hide her tummy (she’s not even big!) and apparently forgot how mirrors work.
11. Divine Dionysus
Here we have the world’s first famous drag queen, Divine, who often espoused the deep value of the intentionally trashy aesthetic. Lounging on a discarded mattress, eating grapes like a trailer park Dionysus, she’s a sight to behold!
10. Paper Muncher
Don’t bother asking, because we have no explanation for what’s happening here. She’s taking a bathroom selfie with a load of toilet paper tucked into her mouth, and our brains hurt just thinking about why. Maybe it’s some new trend for kids these days? We may never know.
9. Not The Beach
So here’s a sort of inverse of the picture with a fully clothed woman splashing in the waves. She’s got a bikini on, sure, but that dirty puddle is no Mediterranean! It sure looks deep, however, so maybe she just needed to cool off?
8. The Joke, We Get It!
You see, the joke is that he’s God’s gift to women! Ha ha! Because he’s wearing a terrible shirt and drinking Bud Light and makes jokes like this, we can only assume.
7. Look Real Close
You probably thought for a second that we were body-shaming a perfectly fit young woman. Wrong! We are shaming whoever thought it would be a good idea to photoshop this picture, and photoshop it badly. She’s a beautiful girl, so why turn her hips and hands into putty?!
6. Do You Even Brony?
While we’re no experts, we think that this guy is doing the whole Brony thing right. He’s got the attitude, he’s got the bedazzled unicorn, and he’s got the iridescent cheek-less chaps. This might be a sexy fail to us but some of you are super turned on right now.
5. Is That You, Bert?
There’s a whole lot going on here and we love all of it. A gender-bent Bert cosplay is already pretty daring, but the guy goes full-bore by adding some nice heels and a more-than-suggestive pose. Our childhood selves, watching hours of Sesame Street growing up, could never dream of such rich nonsense!
We don’t even know what to say here. Is this an owner/pet situation? Is she taking some nude photos with her latest catch? No earthly wisdom can explain this nonsense, and that’s why it’s almost our number 1 pick.
3. Wall Rug?
We’ll be honest, the rug on the wall isn’t the first thing we noticed here. What on earth is happening? The guy somehow looks like a He-Man toy left out in the sun. Or maybe David Hasselhoff’s weird cousin Darrell. It’s incredibly baffling, and we wouldn’t have it any other way.
2. Thundercats, Hoooooo!
Yes, those are snake eye nipples. Yes there are claws and blades reaching around from the back. And yes, this guy has some amazingly realistic vampire teeth. The headband really ties it all together, though.
1. Cat Scratch Fever
Okay, we’ll admit to being a bit deceptive here, because this is not the worst fail on the list. In fact, we love cats so much that you can count this one as a sexy win! If only we could grow such majestic chest hair, we’d have a face cat like this proud gentleman.
And there you have it, folks! This is our list of the top sexy fails from around the web. People have all sorts of different ideas about what makes for sexy imagery, but I think we can agree that most of these people seemed to have missed the boat when it came to.. whatever it was they were attempting. If you disagree, then our hats are off to you, you brave soul!