People orgasm—like death and taxes, it’s just a fact of life. But have facts ever been this… humiliating? As this list will show you, there’s no better time to embarrass yourself more than during your sexual awakening.
They say you never forget your first. Well, unfortunately for the woman in story #3, her friends won’t forget, either…
10. Laughing Gas
Queefing is a natural function of the female anatomy… and apparently, to some people, it’s a source of hilarity. Nancy found this out the hard way on a one night stand during her freshman year of college.
“I was hooking up with this guy from my creative writing workshop,” she said of the not-too-fond memory, “and I queefed in his face while he was eating me out.”
The guy was surprised—so surprised, in fact, that he started laughing. Definitely not Nancy’s most flattering moment.
9. Double The Trouble
For this woman, her first orgasm was no laughing matter. After learning the wonders of masturbation, she looked down and saw something horrifying: her “private parts” were twice the size they were just moments before. She had no idea expansion was a natural part of the process.
Needless to say, involuntary screaming followed suit. However, this moment of post-orgasm terror isn’t exclusive to women…
8. Stains. Stains Everywhere.
No one told Bradley that the male orgasm is a messy ordeal. He had to find that out the hard way.
At the tender age of 13, Bradley decided to give masturbation a go. Then, almost as soon as it started, he ejaculated. EVERYWHERE.
“It was probably the biggest load I ever shot,” he said looking back on it. “I still think there might be some cum stains on that floor because there was so much.”
7. “I Can Do This By Myself!?”
Diane is a part of the rare breed of people who didn’t experience their first orgasm through masturbation.
After getting a boyfriend her freshman year of high school, Diane and him did “everything” together. “And then it clicked,” she said. “If he could do it to me, I could do it to me too.”
While Diane was a little late to the party, at least she got there in the privacy of her own bedroom—not in front of an auditorium of classmates like #2…
6. Ran Up The Water Bill
Oh, the shower head, God’s gift to sexually curious teenagers. This girl read a book in her elementary school library about a girl using the shower head on her “lady bits.” From there, it was monkey read, monkey jam-a-nozzle-into-her-hoo-ha. But her blissful showers didn’t go unnoticed.
“When my parents confronted me about the rising water bill, I didn’t masturbate again ’til high school when I discovered porn,” the woman said of her experience.
Speaking of the “water” bill…
5. Is It Pleasure Or Is It Pee?
Sex on a full bladder is a recipe for disaster. That’s what Ashley thought when she was mid-coitus and suddenly had the strongest urge to pee.
“This guy I had been hooking up with for a while was going down on me when—as per usual—I pushed his head away and told him, ‘I have to go pee NOW,'” Ashley said.
When he confronted her about it, she realized her mistake: her “I’m about to pee” feeling was actually her “I’m about to orgasm” feeling.
4. Tears Of Joy
It took Leah 24 years to get to her first orgasm. After a near-decade of “bad sexual experiences,” she finally reached the peak on her one-and-a-half year anniversary with her girlfriend. Leah was brought to tears by the experience.
“The only thing I could say [to her girlfriend] was ‘thank you,'” Leah said.
Our #1 entry felt like crying too, but not because she was overjoyed…
3. The Right To A Bear Arm
Finding a sexual partner as a child is both difficult and terribly illegal. This didn’t stop 7-year-old Christy from dry humping her giant stuffed teddy bear. After discovering that wrapping her legs around the bear’s arm gave her an orgasm, she just had to show it to her friend at a sleepover.
“I’ll be damned if [my friend] didn’t tell all of our friends at school that I humped my teddy bear,” Christy said. “It took me about a decade and going away to boarding school to live that one down.”
2. A Clitoral Examination
Tests can be stressful. So can some orgasms. But mixing the two signals is a bit… unusual.
Yet, that’s exactly what happened to Sandra during her time in high school. “When I get super nervous during exams, my vaginal walls start to contract,” she said. “I’ve once had about 3 orgasms during a 2-hour exam.”
Having an orgasm in front of classmates is bad—but it could always be worse…
1. Dad Was Watching The Whole Time
Everyone’s worst nightmare came true for 14-year-old Angela. After waking up from a nap on the couch, she thought it’d be a great time to masturbate.
“I finished with a huge moan… then suddenly I heard something, like a person clearing his throat. MY DAD WAS IN THE ROOM, sitting in his recliner—he had been there the entire time!”
The last thing anyone wants is for their parents to even know you masturbate, let alone accidentally see you doing it! Masturbators everywhere feel for you, Angela.