If you and your partner are waiting until your wedding night to have sex, you might have some unrealistic expectations. You assume it will be full of intimacy and sensuality that will result in the best sex you’ve ever had, but sometimes life just doesn’t work out that way…
10. Black Out
Don’t be this groom, the groom that drinks way too much and ruins everything.
“I wish I could remember what happened during my wedding night. I completely blacked out. I woke up to see my wife glaring at me and telling me that I had ruined everything.”
Somebody should’ve cut him off.
9. Confessions Of A Not-So-Virgin Wife
Your wedding night is not the time to confess deep, dark secrets.
“I was very excited to bed by wife on our wedding night for one simple reason, she was a virgin, or so I thought. When we got down to business, she was incredibly loose. She later broke down and told me she had slept with 14 men.”
Wedding confessions continue. Nobody should have to endure #5 on our list.
8. Um, That’s Not My Name
“My wedding night was incredible. The sex was amazing. We made love for hours and hours. Finally she reached orgasm and yelled out, ‘OH YES JIMMY!’ At the top of her lungs. There was only one problem. My name is Steve.”
Maybe Jimmy is a generic name meaning, “ya did good?” Let’s hope.
7. Do Stop
“I was very nervous on my wedding night, but also very excited. I’m a small girl, only 5 feet tall, and I was also a virgin. But when it came down to the sex, I was shocked. He was big, like very, very big. It was a long and painful night.”
Let’s hope she gets used to it, like the bride in #4.
6. What Is That Smell?
This is just nasty…
“I was so ashamed of my husband on my wedding night. He made a complete fool of himself and got way too drunk. Then, I tried to get on top of him so we could consummate. It was such a big mistake. He vomited all over my chest.”
5. The “Best Man” Really Was The Best Man
“I ended up getting way too drunk and everything became a blur. I remember my wife guiding me to the couch and letting me sleep there. She kissed me on the forehead and said ‘good night, sweetie.’ I woke up to see her nailing my best man on our wedding bed. I was too drunk to do anything, so I just drifted off back to sleep.”
It’s safe to say these two aren’t friends anymore.
If you’re going to be surprised on your wedding night, you want to be surprised like this next guy…
4. Closet Freak
“My wife was the sweetest, most innocent girl I’d ever met. I thought our wedding night would be sweet and sensual sex. I was wrong. As soon as she got her clothes off, she transformed into a total freak. I asked her where she learned that, and she said she liked watching porn.”
3. Out Of Order
“I was super nervous during my wedding night… Maybe too nervous. I couldn’t get it up. My wife was so mad. She just glared at me and said, ‘Seriously? I hate you…’ And then she rolled over and went to sleep.”
At least that can be fixed, unlike this next guy…
2. Let’s Play Hide The Pickle
“I had never had sex with my wife until our wedding night. She was very disappointed when she saw my package. She said, ‘That’s it? How is that going to satisfy me for the rest of my life?'”
Hopefully she married him for much more, because things might not get better.
1. Way To Take It Like A Champ!
“My first night with my husband was incredibly painful. I ended up crying my eyes out, but I didn’t want him to stop. I begged him to keep it going, because that’s what you do on your wedding night, right?”
I’m sure her husband appreciates her sacrifice.