Celebrities have a shelf life. Sometimes we get lucky with a Judy Dench or an Anthony Hopkins and it’s OK to leave them out a little longer. Then we have the celebs who have been on the shelf for a little too long and are starting to smell a little funny. Those are the ones you wish would just throw in the towel and be forgotten with their names worn off of their stars on the Hollywood Walk of Fame.
We are all thinking of the same people, so let’s get through this list of the top 12 stars of Tinseltown who should retire, starting with probably the most obvious one.
12. Kim Kardashian
Let’s get this one out of the way. We’re all sick of hearing about her and her husband… what’s his name? We don’t care anymore. Ok, there are literally millions of you out there who still care, but it’s time to move on. We’re here to help.
11. Sylvester Stallone
This one hurts a little bit. Rocky was wonderful and he is an action legend. He took a three-year hiatus after Spy Kids 3D: Game Over to make 2006’s Rocky Balboa. Since then, his filmography is chock-full of boxing flicks and Expendables sequels. Sly, it’s time to hang up the gloves.
10. Hulk Hogan
I think even his fans are whispering to the side, “maybe it’s time he calls it.” It’s been an amazing run from electrifying arenas to films(?) and then his own reality series that subsequently broke up his family. But you have to ask yourself, would you quit if you were the Hulkster?
9. Janet Jackson
The youngest member of the “First Family of Soul” is the only artist in history to receive Grammy nominations in five genres. The only major controversy of her career shocked the world, changed legislation and unleashed the term “wardrobe malfunction” upon us. At this point, I think she’s just showing off.
8. Eddie Murphy
Eddie Murphy reached comedic greatness at the age of 20 and is considered one of the best standups of all time. Murphy helped redefine the action-comedies with 48 Hrs. and did it again with Beverly Hills Cop. Head over to #7 to see the person who redefined what it means to appear in the tabloids.
7. Lindsay Lohan
Her career hasn’t been as lengthy and glamorous as some of the other fine people on this list, but Disney sure did put Lindsay Lohan in a lot of movies. She allegedly converted to Islam recently and felt “racially profiled” when she was forced to remove her hijab at the airport. Sigh.
I believe Madonna is not of this world. She is completely unmatched – someone who seems to have mastered singing, dancing, acting, and being the single most influential provocateur for decades. But it’s starting to get weird now that I have a crush on a 58-year-old woman. Au revoir mon bel amour.
Thanks to Groundhog Day, no one ever wants to hear “I Got You Baby” again. She catapulted to world stardom in 1965 and is considered a universal musical icon. And she will still be a world-renowned star and music icon when she retires. But we can’t decide whether we’d rather have her go or #4.
4. Celine Dion
Las Vegas seems to be the retirement home for the biggest talent to ever sell out arenas around the world. Celine Dion has been a resident for years and her voice is unrivaled. But if her salary is broken down over the year, she is making $1.05 per second, and that’s the gross GDP of the tiny Polynesian island nation of Tuvalu.
3. Paula Deen
Deen seems nice enough despite her much-publicized and near career-ending use of the n-word a few years back, but this lady’s shtick was getting old before we found out about her casual attitudes toward racial epithets. But would you rather have her or #2 stick around for a little longer?
2. Carrot Top
I like to think you were waiting for this one as you were going through the list. Come on Carrot Top, there are millions of unfortunate children around the world who would be better off playing with all of your toys. But I would keep you around for lifetimes longer than #1.
1. Bill Cosby
I am very surprised he hasn’t announced his retirement yet and we even have to mention Cosby on this list. But after everything that has been released over the last couple of years, it’s time for him to say goodbye. Sadly, he will still be the center of media attention for years to come.
Did we miss anyone? We know it’s Hollywood and there are probably dozens if not hundreds of people who deserve to be on this list, but it pretty much boils it down to the top 12. In Hollywood, anyone can become a star. It’s the land where dreams come true. But you have to realize when it is time to wake up from that dream and call it a day.
My dad retired a few years ago and he loves it. He refurbished the house, designed the landscaping, goes to Hawaii on the regular. He made a little bit less than Celine Dion, but he loves it.